"Today, I barely survived. It felt like a horror film where I was being dragged into a dark abyss. I wanted to go Viola Davis on the fam. Grab my purse and walk out. I nearly tapped out of this house." These are the words I wrote recently on an Instagram post. I did not think this would be the starting point discussing parenting struggles, but I think this best describes how so many feel at some point in their parenting journey.
Motherhood is beautiful, but it can also be messy. I am so glad every time I see videos where women speak authentically about their parenting struggles. I think about the many moms who sometimes feel they want to tap out of their families, no matter how much we love them. There are so many great mothers who wake up every day with the intention of giving our best to our children only to realize that despite our best efforts, some days just suck. At the end of it all, we just have to keep giving our best, because that is really all we can do. Parenting is not for the faint and you will never get it right all the time, so be ready to get it wrong sometimes. To those of us surviving parenthood and need some answers, let's discover the some ways we can keep trying.
For when the kiddos just won't listen
Even the best children can have their worst day, and I say, hold on for dear life. Whether we're talking about trying to get the kid(s) out the door, telling your child for the fourth time to take her socks off the living room floor or just requesting personal space so you won't be touched out, there are moments when your kids just don’t or won’t listen. It is the nature of motherhood. In spite of my vast experience as a babysitter/nanny, some days I am still dumbfounded by the things my children do.
Recently, I just had to ask one of my daughters to please step away from me, because her behavior at that moment was just unacceptable and I found myself repeating things over and over (worst mistake ever). When I felt like I was about to lose it, she had to come back with a snarky response. At that point, I directed her to her father and walked into my room.
I asked Google for solutions to my problem. Yes, I was asking Google for directions to that place on the internet where successful moms reside with alternative solutions, because that's where I was at. In addition, I remembered another strategy from being a substitute teacher. It always got the kids' attention.
Online Solution: If you hear me, touch your nose. (continue by naming a different body part each time until they show they're listening).
My solution: I say : 1,2,3 eyes on me.
They say: 1, 2 eyes on you.
So now I have two solutions that I plan to implement. Both methods, I believe, will prevent you the parent from snapping at your kid(s), give you some time to think, and allow you to convey your initial request thoughtfully and concisely.
For when your child is being resistant.
I have a nine year old and a seven year old, and personality wise, they couldn't be more different from each other, yet maintain some behaviors that make me question whether I am parenting one child. My second child who started off extremely introverted, is now my is strong-willed, critical thinker, who is both witty and funny. She hates being rushed to accomplish anything, so her resistance tends to be easier to solve. I back off showing remorse for my actions and correct my behavior. My nine year old on the other hand is at the developmental stage of preadolescence. I can see the push back coming from a place of desiring more autonomy, which is expected for a child her age. I have very clear house rules, expectations and structure, but I also need to recognize that I my parenting style has to match her developmental stage. I may just not be hitting the mark sometimes.
Resistant behavior tends to occur when children want to avoid a task, gain attention and even gain power by trying to irritate you. Beyond these simple explanations for non-compliant behavior, it is crucial to assess the environmental changes that may be contributing to the changes in your child's behavior. Things like relocating, the death of a loved one, starting a new school, and any change in the dynamics of their home life. These factors all have an impact on children and the ways they cope with these changes. For resistant children, there are two things I try to avoid:
Power struggles: Avoid going back and forth or over explaining your stance. All it does is incite more anger and resistance. Boy have I made that mistake, but I am learning.
Overreacting: Try to stay to calm (and trust me, I know how difficult that can be sometimes), because it really gnaws away at the relationship between you and your child. At times it may be hard not to, but find ways to calm yourself in that moment, because reacting may be more disastrous than you think.
What you can do to help you avert many negative situations is:
Praise your child for the things they do well: I pay attention my children's actions, so when I see great behavior being displayed, I will point it out to my kids immediately. There are so many times I have told my daughters, "I really like how you handled that situation" by repeating what was said and how effective it was responding in the manner that they did. You can see the joy in their eyes.
Collaborate with your child: I can't tell you the number of times I have asked my children advice on how they think I should address their resistance. In those moments, I see all of us us calming down and taking moments to speak our hearts and come up with solutions. They feel empowered rather than being dominated, which is never my goal.
For those big emotional moments
Being a parent can take a toll. There are the day to day emotional interactions that barely cause a dent, and with the right response, they can be great bonding moments. But there are the days you can barely regulate your own emotions due to a host of issues, and you have to do your best to help a sometimes dysregulated little human find a sense of calm. It is on those days, it can feel like the world is conspiring against your joy, and mothering can take a toll on your mental health. This is why I appreciate women who know in their hearts that they are not meant for the calling of motherhood and stand firmly in their decision.
So on the days when everyone is caught up in their feelings, all I try try to do is avoid making the day a complete disaster. I tell my girls when they're yelling out into the universe "My day is ruined," that they're having a tough moment; there is still time to turn it around. We always do, even though it sometimes takes us a little longer to get there.
As the adults who have to lead by example (but sometimes fails epically), I say absent of any physical, emotional and psychological abuse to your child, show yourself some grace. I recommend:
Removing yourself from the situation: When an environment gets extremely stressful and you feel overwhelmed, start by creating distance if you can.
Breathe: Take that time to acknowledge how you feel, do some deep breathing and refocus your energy on something more positive.
Decide whether you want to be happy or right: In that moment, I also decide before heading back out making sure that my language does not assign blame, but rather a path to bringing us closer together.
Apologize if necessary: If feelings were hurt before your exit, come back ready to apologize. This can be the olive branch to begin conversation, especially with kids who can talk.
Be ready to listen: This is the time for open dialogue. Talk to your child while connecting from a place of the heart. Really allow your child to be heard.
Seek comfort from a trusted individual: Whether it's your partner, a friend or a therapist, reach out to someone you can talk to if you need further support.
Continue to show yourself grace and compassion: We all have rough moments. Don't beat yourself up. You can turn this around.
So, keep trying, keep laughing, and embrace the wonderful chaos that is parenting. Because at the end of the day, the art of trying is what truly makes us superheroes in the eyes of our children. Celebrate the messiness, the laughter, and the endless love that comes with being a parent. Because in the grand scheme of things, the art of trying is what truly defines us as parents – imperfectly perfect and beautifully chaotic.
Now go forth, fellow parents, and conquer the world!
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