We are coming to the end of the year and this is the time that we start reflecting on accomplishments and mistakes from the past year. It is also where we should start assessing our friendships with the goal of making changes for the new year. One of the most important reasons for this process is to examine how our relationships are impacting our lives. Friendships are a source of comfort and companionship—whether it’s for a season, a reason or a lifetime. The quality of your friendships also directly impact our emotional, mental and physical health. So, how healthy are your friendships?
I am currently watching Girlfriends, and I am on the episodes where Joan has to go to therapy. The relationship with her best friend Toni hit a hurdle, because Joan accidentally told Toni's boyfriend that she is having an affair. Toni ended that affair and was on her way to tell her boyfriend Greg how much she loved him. Armed with that information from Joan, Greg broke up with Toni who was devastated. Joan was terrified to reveal to Toni that she was partly responsible for the break up, but when she finally did, Toni slapped her and nearly lost her mind.
Well, Miss Toni made a lame and unsuccessful attempt to give Joan the impression that she slept with her boyfriend, in an effort to get back at Joan. Maya told her she belongs with Satan of course and Joan decides to forgive Toni by pretending nothing happened. Well, something did happen and Joan was having a very physical reaction to the betrayal by her best friend. She was starting to shed like a dog.
In therapy, Joan began to realize how much of a push over and an enabler she is to her friend Toni’s behavior. She realized that not addressing the issues only put her at a disadvantage, because Toni was quite fine moving on with her life while she was left with clumps of hair in her hands to show for it. Something needed to change, and it was her.
You do not need to have a friend as extreme as Toni to assess the health of your friendships. It is usually the small infractions we overlook that grow into something big. It can also be situations outside of the friendship that can contribute to the fracture and eventual breakdown.
I once had my own friendship break up with one of my very best friends years ago. We had almost all the traits of a great friendship: respect, trust, dependability, emotional vulnerability and we were growth oriented. But, we lacked one very necessary trait. We weren't the best at conflict resolution, because we never had any conflict until a very minor situation arose. Unfortunately this time, rather than address a small issue, we completely stopped talking to each other for several years.
As I look back, and we both agreed, it was beyond ridiculous. But I was having a rather difficult time with an ex-boyfriend. I was in a mental space where I just wanted to isolate, but also felt I wasn't being heard in that relationship. I was tired and fed up, and rather than talking about it, I internalized everything. So it took one extremely minor situation with my best friend to make me shut down. I do not enjoy confrontation, so rather than have the necessary talk, we both stubbornly disappeared. Thankfully, we were able to reconnect with each other and I have promised myself to never let that happen again. This was one of those situations where having the fight would have been worth it.
As you examine your friendships, ask yourself, "Am I doing the work to make my friendships healthy?" Also, "Are my friends displaying the qualities that I look for in a genuine friendship?" Maintaining healthy friendships are always worth it, because we can be our most authentic selves when our friendships feel like a safe place. Having friends who feel like home is the gift that everyone deserves. I believe that the people who are meant to be in our lives all serve a purpose, so nurture the relationships that bring us joy from a place of love, kindness, respect and care. We all deserve it.
Photo of the cast of Girlfriends: From the left Antoinette 'Toni' Childs, May Wilkins, Joan Clayton and Lynn Searcy/Glamour
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