The year 2024 is about to come to an end and I am excited to close it by celebrating my many highs, and acknowledge the many lows. As the days creep closer to the new year, I am taking the time to assess the events of the year. It is truly amazing how time moves so quickly, yet so slowly, because we then have to acknowledge if progress was made or not. I try to see my glass as half full always, so even when goals aren't met, I do my very best to show myself grace; the kind that would be extended to me from a loving and caring friend. You see, I am that friend, and for that reason, I am looking back from the lens of gratitude.
Grateful for Career Changes
An unfortunate incident occurred on October 7th 2023 where the trunk of my car dropped onto the left side of my temple on a rainy night, leaving me with post concussion syndrome multiple fibromyalgia flares that made performing day-to-day task extremely difficult. I quit the position I was in at the end of January 2024 and began working as a substitute teacher, primarily because the schedule and the time off works perfectly for me as the primary caretaker of my two children, in a city where I have no dependable family. I believe this concussion was the catalyst for making a series of necessary changes, particularly those that involved the trajectory of my career.
So many times acquaintances and random strangers would ask why I never considered teaching, especially since I am so great with children. I would sarcastically and with great humor retort that there are only a few kids that I like and that I do not like other people's kids, despite having worked with people's kids since I was nineteen and loving it. I was used to working with a younger demographic from babies to eight year-olds. The idea of working with teenagers terrified me, because all I had to go by was the horror stories I had either heard of being reported on the news or the extremely inaccurate American films that I saw about American schools. Well to my shock, I have grown to love working as a high school substitute teacher, a far cry from the work of being a human resources specialist.
I can't tell you the number of times students have called me the cool sub, the best sub or will come talk to me, because they haven't seen me in a while. It warms my heart to no end, because seeing them happy makes me happy. With every class I walk into, I set very clear expectations from the beginning, I find a way through small gestures to empower them with a sense of autonomy, I find something to connect on so they know they're in a safe space and allow myself to be a sounding board for their concerns. As someone with lots of experience working with kids, I can honestly say, not a lot changes from how you treat a toddler to a young adult. You treat them with respect, you allow them to feel seen and heard, and remind them that you are on their side. As much as I know this is temporary, I am loving every minute of it. In many ways, I feel like I have gotten my life back.
Grateful for my Sisters
I can't talk about 2024 without talking about my girlfriends. I think of them and I want to sob from the profound gratitude I have for them, This is where almost thirty years of friendship takes you to. I am an only child, and my three best friends since I was twelve years old are the closest people I have to sisters on this planet. Though we are all in different parts of the world or cities, we make it a point to talk to each other regularly. Not a single week goes by without a text, a voice note or a funny meme—and there are so many—to each other. Our WhatsApp group is where all the fun happens and where we navigate love, joy, loss, laughter, grief and motherhood that is just so much easier to bear with my sisters. We lay it all at the alter of our friendship, vulnerable and ready to receive the healing and nurturing words from our sisterhood in solidarity with each other. Oh how we have all grown this year. It feels like we have hit another level in our friendship, We're talking about compounds and living out our latter years like the Golden Girls. I am ready for whatever life throws at me, because I know that they will be there to keep me afloat.
Grateful for Love Renewed
Being in a long term relationship has so many highs and lows. Two lives combined alone can have its challenges and then you add the ones you create together; it can be met with intentional growth or parties checking out at one point or another. Loving isn't hard, but it is all the other factors that come into play whether internal or external. Most of us come into marriages with the best intention whether we had amazing examples or not of what a healthy relationship looks like. With both of us never having seem what a healthy marriage looks like and never having been taught the recipe for a good one, my partner and I were going with the flow and making so many mistakes along the way. This year, especially over the last few months, we have seen such a shift in how we show up for each other. There has always been love, but the missing pieces began coming together. There is so much beauty in relearning each other unlike we have never done before. We also have a stronger bond that allows us to keep showing up for our children, but also give them an example of what a healthy relationship looks like, something that we both never experienced.
Grateful for Therapy
Seeing a therapist for the last couple of years has been a life saver for me. I sought help at a point in time when life was honestly drop kicking me. As much as I am so grateful to have my girlfriends, I needed to deposit a lot and I could not see myself dropping that much of a load on them. I also needed a much more objective perspective, so I reached for help. I've had the same therapist for the last four years and not only do we share a similar cultural upbringing, talking to her feels like talking to one of my girlfriends without her being a girlfriend. It is indeed the best of both worlds. Having her as a sounding board has allowed me to preserve myself, my relationship and my friendships.
As a child of an absentee father, who has become more present in my life this year, I struggled reconciling my feelings. I realized that a lot of struggles throughout my life stemmed from feeling abandoned. For a long time, I felt like the three most important men in my life were emotionally unavailable, and having to sit in those feelings was painful but healing. I realized more and more that my responsibility is to hold space for myself and they do not need full access to me. I am in control of how I want to show up in these relationships and if I want to show up at all. At some point, choosing to decenter them was the bet thing I could do.
Grateful for Perspective
Not having it all figured out and accepting that I may never have it all figured out is sobering and contrary to what we have been taught. This year, I realized I doubled down on not participating in grind culture. I realized for a long time that part of the reason that I could not create and was limited in my creative abilities was because I was exhausted, burnt out, sleep deprived and deeply disconnected from my purpose. I am still trying to find my way through it, and one of the ways I began to combat this rather robotic existence was to leave NYC and make upstate NY my new home.
Change is not particularly scary for me. as someone who left their home country at the age of nineteen with nothing but two suitcases, I know what starting over feels like. I will do it as many times as I need to, to find what gives me purpose and brings me joy. I realized that I have such a spirit of adventure that keeps me going, but also teaches me to appreciate every moment. I mean, I survived another year of motherhood, still in tact and the children doing well. I have to say, I think I crushed 2024.
I am walking intentionally into 2025 and grateful for what 2024 taught me.
(Top photo After the Snow, Renata Poleon, 2024)
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